Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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