I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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