i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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