after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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