She's JV to your varsity
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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