Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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