I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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