Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
