I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
