So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
