So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
