I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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