I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
