I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
