I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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