Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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