things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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