omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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