you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
