Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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