Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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