I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
