a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
