Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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