I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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