i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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