this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
