Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
