is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
