I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
