I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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