The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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