I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
