I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Are we still banned from the library?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
