it wasn't lemon gatorade
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
