I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
