I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
