Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
