last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
