Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize