also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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