chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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