listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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