his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
