shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
