Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
