i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
