I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
