I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
