Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
