i think my mom watched the whole time
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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