when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
