Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
