apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
