Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
