so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
