i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
