I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
