it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
