he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
